Things You Should Know About Kevin Love

This is Kevin Love. He plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves and, for much of his career, has been a top-5 player in the NBA. Unfortunately, most people haven’t realized he’s a top-5 player in the NBA, because he plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves. Even though he is a gilded basketball titan, he has played on teams so historically terrible that it’s taken years longer than it should for people to realize he’s the best power forward alive. Unsurprisingly, like Kevin Garnett before him, he doesn’t want to play in Minnesota anymore. He is saying he won’t sign a contract extension, and is demanding a trade.

Now that LeBron James has decided to return to the Cavaliers, the biggest off season question is where will Kevin Love end up? The Golden State Warriors could have had him already, but hilariously fucked it up by refusing to part with Klay Thompson, who along with the much, much better Stephen Curry makes up their so-called “Splash Brothers.” This is a lot like refusing to trade your Vespa for a Maserati because your kid drew some hearts on the fender. It is also even more evidence that Love’s career has been hideously misused by the Timberwolves. Since we are all going to be laughing at the Warriors about this for years, and to spare other GMs similar humiliation, here are some important facts about Kevin Love.

• During the 2010-2011 season, Kevin Love learned how to control the path of a ball in flight with his mind, but still only won 17 games because his teammates were three magic beans and a drinking bird.
• January 31, 2014: Kevin Love quantum tunneled right through Marc Gasol for a defensive rebound, but on the outlet pass J. J. Barea mistook the ball for a snake and kicked it.
• Decemeber 18, 2013: Kevin Love, defended by LaMarcus Aldridge, banked a three pointer off the moon, but it got waved off when Dante Cunningham accidentally set a referee on fire.
• March 14, 2014: Kevin Love inspired a flood of physics papers with a televised demonstration of boxing out in eleven dimensions. In post-game comments following the loss, teammate Kevin Martin revealed he was unaware there were other players besides himself on the court
• His uncle was a Beach Boy.

These things are all 100% true. I encourage NBA front offices to make their decisions accordingly. And I encourage Kevin Love to keep his head down for a year and then head to San Antonio. The Spurs really know how to take care of an elite power forward.