Author: Eugene Fischer

Things You Should Know About Kevin Love

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This is Kevin Love. He plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves and, for much of his career, has been a top-5 player in the NBA. Unfortunately, most people haven’t realized he’s a top-5 player in the NBA, because he plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves. Even though he is a gilded basketball titan, he has played on teams so historically terrible that it’s taken years longer than it should for people to realize he’s the best power forward alive. Unsurprisingly, like Kevin Garnett before him, he doesn’t want to play in Minnesota anymore. He is saying he won’t sign a contract extension, and is demanding a trade.

Now that LeBron James has decided to return to the Cavaliers, the biggest off season question is where will Kevin Love end up? The Golden State Warriors could have had him already, but hilariously fucked it up by refusing to part with Klay Thompson, who along with the much, much better Stephen Curry makes up their so-called “Splash Brothers.” This is a lot like refusing to trade your Vespa for a Maserati because your kid drew some hearts on the fender. It is also even more evidence that Love’s career has been hideously misused by the Timberwolves. Since we are all going to be laughing at the Warriors about this for years, and to spare other GMs similar humiliation, here are some important facts about Kevin Love.

  • During the 2010-2011 season, Kevin Love learned how to control the path of a ball in flight with his mind, but still only won 17 games because his teammates were three magic beans and a drinking bird.
  • January 31, 2014: Kevin Love quantum tunneled right through Marc Gasol for a defensive rebound, but on the outlet pass J. J. Barea mistook the ball for a snake and kicked it.
  • Decemeber 18, 2013: Kevin Love, defended by LaMarcus Aldridge, banked a three pointer off the moon, but it got waved off when Dante Cunningham accidentally set a referee on fire.
  • March 14, 2014: Kevin Love inspired a flood of physics papers with a televised demonstration of boxing out in eleven dimensions. In post-game comments following the loss, teammate Kevin Martin revealed he was unaware there were other players besides himself on the court
  • His uncle was a Beach Boy.

These things are all 100% true. I encourage NBA front offices to make their decisions accordingly. And I encourage Kevin Love to keep his head down for a year and then head to San Antonio. The Spurs really know how to take care of an elite power forward.

Tweek in Review

Really two weeks, because of travel.

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Thoughts on KNIGHTS OF SIDONIA

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The latest show I’ve binge watched is Knights of Sidonia, the anime based on the manga by Tsutomu Nihei (which I’ve not read). It’s a “Netflix Original” in that Netflix produced and has exclusive distribution rights to the English language version, but is actually a production of Polygon Pictures. As for the show itself, it’s a mecha anime with a relatively hard-SF bent and a distinctive CGI animation style. The premise is that humanity scattered after the Earth was destroyed by giant mysterious space monsters. Hundreds of years later the generation ship Sidonia is alone in space, training mecha pilots to fight off monsters, when a mysterious, uniquely skilled, biologically unusual boy is discovered who quickly becomes the key to the ship’s survival.

There is, frankly, almost nothing in it that I haven’t seen somewhere before, and often done better. (The Left Hand of Darkness-esque androgynes, in particular, are criminally under-used.) There’s a ton of Gunbuster in here, some heaping spoonfuls of Evangelion, and a steady stream of familiar beats and thematic gestures from both anime and written science fiction. But for all that it doesn’t feel particularly original, the mix is pleasing, the pacing tight, and the willingness to kill off established characters admirable. And while it has the usual, eye rolling, fan service-y cliches that make watching so much anime feel like a mildly guilty pleasure, it at least goes to some effort to justify their inclusion in the show. All the women are drawn to the main character because he’s a biological oddity who is constantly saving all their lives. (And one of them isn’t a woman, it’s an androgyne, but so far that only functionally means “shy, flatter-chested character who corrects people when they say ‘you’re a cute girl.'”) The gratuitous nudity is because all of these people photosynthesize for most of their nutrition, and need to disrobe and expose their skin to the light frequently. So the show feels like it’s at least trying to meet me halfway in not being a total embarrassment, which makes it palatable enough for me to stick around for the high velocity space battle goodness.

My biggest problem with the show, really, is that it’s a mecha anime at all. The ubiquity of the genre convention that the right tool for any hard job is a giant robot shaped like a human body is mystifying. The better the rest of the science fiction world building gets, the more the mecha stand out as simply odd. No reason is ever given why intricate mecha are a superior option to, say, space fighter planes. It’s not like those huge mechanical wrist joints actually get used in battle very often. In space, no one can feel you throw an elbow. One of the many, many things I loved about Cowboy Bebop was that I was finally getting space opera without all the damn mecha. I was supremely disappointed when Attack on Titan turned out not to be about orbital sorties above the moons of Saturn. Anime seems the perfect medium to tell big, crunchy, engineering-heavy, interstellar science fiction stories, if only these series could get past spending 30% of their time on teaching space warrior to bend their hydraulic knees.

An Overdue Return to Tabclosing

My tabs have gotten so extensive that I’ve outsourced the problem and started banishing them to my Pocket queue rather than keep them in the browser. Time to start recording this stuff again. There will be much more of this to come.

  • Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez, Romantic Human Couple” – To start off with something amusing, a brief photoessay from Mallory Ortberg at The Toast. Includes rumination on the placement of the human carapace and the line, “I can love you better from up here, alone.”
  • 40 plus 5” (NSFW) – Following up with something raw and occasionally harrowing, a long photoessay from Ruth Fowler about the birth of her son Nye. She had a complicated home birth, and her photographer husband Jared Iorio captured the whole thing though his lens. The photos are graphic and powerful, and Ruth writes about the experience of giving birth with taught, unsentimental description, which I found incredibly affecting. I’ve also been reading the other essays on Fowler’s site.
  • On Turning 30” – Molly Crabapple writing in Vice about age and gendered expectations. She and I are the same age. Our experience getting here has been different in important ways.
  • When Hitting ‘Find My iPhone’ Takes You to a Thief’s Doorstep” – Article in the New York Times that was sent to me by many people. They sent it to me because they know I did this. When my iPad was stolen, I tracked the thief’s location and used some social engineering to spook his roommates into revealing him, then sent the police to his door. I got the iPad back, and the thief was arrested. At no time did I ever consider bringing a weapon with me.
  • The Myth of the Veneer” – Ursula Le Guin, at the Book View Cafe, writes about the myth that civilized, prosocial behavior is a superficial mask for an anarchic human nature.
  • The Teaching Class” – Rachel Reiderer writing for Guernica Magazine about the corporatization of higher education and the current state of the things where the janitors make more than the professors. Basically, a long essay about why I’m bailing out of the sad, sucker’s game that is modern humanities academia.
  • And finally, an excellent video about patterns of discourse on the internet: “This Is Phil Fish”

SNOWPIERCER

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Snowpiercer is the best use I’ll likely put my eyes to this summer. I’ve never seen a superior movie about the death of humanity. Powerful metaphors, creatively thorough exploration of premise, and the bravery to be ambiguous despite all the glitz. Not a minute failed to entrance, and I expect it to join the small family of movies that I never tire of rewatching. When they finish translating it, I’m going to read the graphic novel.

Edit: for a much more in-depth, equally enthusiastic reception, check out Grantland’s Snowpiercearound.

Travel Update

After spending the Fourth of July with friends in lovely Madison, I had originally planned to head back to Iowa City today.

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…yeah. I’m going to spend an extra day in Wisconsin. I just hope, as the radar over Iowa has looked like this or worse for a significant part of the last week, that my house hasn’t moved downstream from where I saw it last.

My New Favorite Zelda Game

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After having it sitting on my shelf for seven years, I finally got around to playing The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. I destroyed my circadian rhythms staying up too late to finish it over the course of several days, and I’ve decided it may have finally surpassed Majora’s Mask as my favorite Zelda game. It’s short, tight, and uses its hardware brilliantly. Controlling Link with the stylus feels incredibly natural, as does solving puzzles that involved tapping, drawing, the microphone, the hinges; I have never felt a video game was working harder or more successfully to immerse me in an experience. I would go on at length about all of the strengths of Phantom Hourglass, but Tim Rogers at Actionbutton.net has already done it for me. The only thing about that review I disagree with is that the handholding didn’t bother me nearly as much as it did Tim. Personally, I would have given it all four stars. This feels like the game that the Nintendo DS was invented for.

My Bet With Arturo Galletti

NCAA Basketball: Southern California at UCLA

I’m on vacation in Chicago at the moment, so I’m largely offline. But just before I hit the road I made a wager that I want to record someplace persistent. With the 30th pick in the NBA Draft, the San Antonio Spurs selected Kyle Anderson from UCLA. If you look at Arturo Galletti’s Draft breakdown at BoxscoreGeeks, you’ll see that he was rated the 8th best prospect available by Arturo’s model. What’s more, he’s a forward-sized player who likes to have the ball in his hands and run the offense as a pass-first point guard. And he’s on the record as appreciating the Spurs style of play, and wanting to play for them. So all signs point to this being yet another Spurs draft-day steal. Arturo and I are both impressed with the pick.

Where we differ is in how much of an impact we think Anderson is likely to have next year. Arturo, presumably on the basis of Anderson’s numbers, thinks that he will become a rotation player with the Spurs immediately. I disagree. I think that (a) Gregg Popovich is historically slow to trust rookies who aren’t named Tim Duncan, and (b) if the Spurs manage to retain Boris Diaw and Patty Mills, then they will be bringing back a team that just won a championship and already know how to play together. With the team focus being to repeat as champions, and the oft-commented complexity of the Spurs system, I see Anderson as a deep bench player next year at best. I think he might even spend more time with the Toros than the Spurs. On Twitter, Arturo and I decided to bet a day’s charity work on Anderson’s minutes:

  • If Kyle Anderson plays more than 1700 minutes for the Spurs, barring injury, Arturo wins. I put in a day for the charity of his choice.
  • If Kyle Anderson plays fewer than 1200 minutes for the Spurs, barring injury, I win. Arturo puts in a day for the charity of my choice.
  • If Kyle Anderson’s minutes are between 1200 and 1700, or he gets injured, or someone ahead of him in the lineup gets injured, it’s a push.

For my part, I feel like I’ll win either way. If Anderson plays the role I expect, I win the bet. If I lose the bet, it’s because my team got a new, young player who’s so good he forced his way into the rotation as a rookie on a championship team. I’ll be pleased with either outcome.

Tweek in Review

Now that NBA Finals craziness is over, the favstars are a little less one-note.

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Hannibal: Network Television Strikes Back

NBC-Hannibal-About-Cast-1920x1080I’m now finished binge-watching the two extant seasons of Hannibal, and I’m astounded. For one thing it’s very good, very dark TV.1 But I’ve seen good, dark TV before. It’s become widely accepted that we’re in a golden age of television drama ushered in by the original programming on HBO and other cable channels beginning about a decade and a half ago. Starting with shows like The Wire and The Sopranos, through Mad Men, Breaking Bad, and Game of Thrones, TV narrative is darker and more complex than it’s ever been before. But the unifying element of all of these gilded programs has been that they are on subscription services, whether traditional ones like HBO and Showtime, or extended cable channels like AMC, or even streaming services like Netflix (House of Cards, Orange is the New Black). Subscription channels have been getting all the attention, all the acclaim, while network television contented itself with sitcoms and reality shows.

No longer. Hannibal is clearly one of the new crop of dramas: complex, visually striking, and as dark as any program I’ve ever seen. What’s most astonishing about it, though, is that it’s broadcast on NBC. It’s a network television program that could easily be on HBO. It’s certainly as bloody as anything that’s been shown on a subscription channel. About the only thing that gives away its network roots is the occasional elbow carefully placed to occlude a nipple. But aside from that, it’s every bit as engrossing and disturbing as the cable critical darlings. It’s like an alternate universe version of Dexter that wasn’t an insipid gore cartoon.2 This is the counterpunch; the networks are finally ready to compete on narrative. If The Corner and Oz and The Sopranos represented the start of a new kind of long-form storytelling on television, then Hanibal represents the point at which it became the new normal.


  1. I wish there were more meaningful women on the show, but that’s my only complaint about it 

  2. Although, to be fair, I only watched the first season of Dexter. Maybe that show eventually developed a recognizably human character or two?